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Our kids have so many big emotions, and we are asking a lot of them when we expect them to handle them every minute of every day.Here is the thing, it isn’t up to us to dictate what we expect their feelings and emotions to be, it’s up to us to validate the ones they have. We want our kids to learn how to show empathy, so here is a great way to model that!At The Family Peace Foundation, we invite parents and partners to accept all feelings as valid and normal and to appreciate that feelings and emotions are not loaded, personal, right, wrong, good or bad, but that they are simply just feelings. Once we learn to accept and validate feelings expressed by our child (or mate), we are ready for stage two in managing emotions, which is to help our children regulate their own emotions and find ways to help them problem-solve.Regulating emotions means feeling them and then finding ways to ride the emotional wave of discomfort until it subsides.Take a moment to reflect on how emotions were managed in the family home in which you were raised?Perhaps you recall statements such as: “Please don’t be angry, I don’t like people being angry with me” “OK, no more tears now, I’m going to tickle you to laugh all that sadness away” “Jealousy is an ugly emotion” “Let’s just drown our heartache in ice-cream” “Just get over your worry, other people have much bigger things to worry about than you” “Stop talking about your frustration, it’s only going to make things worse” “OK, let’s just let it go, I can’t stand conflict” While these are commonplace sentiments for many of us, and most are intended as well-meaning statements, they all dismiss uncomfortable emotions, sending the message that anger, sadness, jealousy, grief, worry, frustration, and conflict are not healthy or acceptable ways to feel.Pay attention to how they respond, how you feel, and what’s different.

what does validating feelings mean-36

I do this in my personal life; such as when my 6-year-old is having a melt down because his drink is in the wrong cup. Even that simple statement helps diffuse the situation with my children.As a therapist, I frequently get asked, “What can I do to help my partner/child/family member/friend when they are struggling? I receive a lot of feedback from clients that they don’t know what validation is or how to validate.” The client usually tells me that they offer solutions, like say “I’m sorry”, give advice, etc. They know what it feels like to be validated but seem uncertain of how to offer this to their loved ones. It’s recognizing and accepting another person’s experience as being their reality and truth without judgment or rejection.Let me be clear, validation does not mean that you are agreeing with the person. What I say is something like “Honey, you seem really mad.Validation is accepting that their thoughts, feelings, and experiences are their reality. It’s ok to be mad; you thought something different was going to happen and I disappointed you.” Then we talk about choices and move forward.




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